ZIKA KILLS HUNDREDS IN PUERTO RICO
The zika virus, until now thought to only be dangerous to pregnant women,
but mild or even symptomless for most people, has suddenly taken a turn for
the worse, as up to 500 people have seemingly died due to complications from
the virus over the last week. Large numbers of unusual deaths were reported
starting about eight days ago, all across Puerto Rico. The only common thread
among the otherwise unexplained deaths was that all of the victims had recently
tested positive for the Zika virus, which indicates that the virus may have recent-
ly mutated. "This is definitely a game-changer", said PR Health Secretary Ana
Rius. "Experts from the CDC [Centers for Disease Control] are on their way to
the island right now to investigate. We encourage all residents not to panic, but
to please stay indoors 24 hours a day, without exception. We have also discove-
red that certain invididuals with Zika who rubbed their bellies while simultane-
ously drinking an Old Colony pineapple soda were able to avoid being killed
by the virus." After concluding her remarks, Rius promptly ran outside and
threw herself onto highway traffic, being struck by several cars. She was de-
clared dead at the scene.
GARCIA PADILLA ENDORSES TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT
Garcia Padilla endorsed controversial Republican Presidential candidate Do-
nald Trump. During a press conference at La Fortaleza, Garcia Padilla stated
to shocked members of the press that he believes a Donald Trump presidency
would be best for the United states, and therefore for Puerto Rico. "Este queee,
ay zink that Mister Tromp is best deelmaiker in da werld and he can help os ne-
gochiate da debt. Plos, he has lots of moni and can meybee help os out wif a
loan or somsink", declared the governor to the bewildered reporters. "Plos,
dose steaks of hiz are pritti delichous."
PEDRO PIERLUISI: 'FUCK STATEHOOD'
ssioner and NPP gubernatorial candidate Pedro Pierluisi, expressed disillusi-
onment towards his long-held ideal of Puerto Rican statehood today during
remarks to The Puerto Rico Monitor. "Look, let's just be honest here, okay?",
said the tired-looking Pierluisi, immediately before taking a long drag from
a cigarrette and then slowly exhaling the smoke upward, a bitter look on his
face. "This statehood shit's not going to happen. It's just not. It never will. I
work in Congress, remember? They're the ones who can make it happen. And
they don't give a shit. You think they care what I think? I can't vote. Most of
the time these people mistake me for the janitor, or the guy delivering lunch."
Pierluisi went on, looking as if he were on the verge of tears, "We're broke,
why would they make us a state now? You know what? Fuck statehood. Jesus.
I've wasted my goddamn life." Having said that, the Resident Commissioner
spat on the ground, turned around and walked away.