PUERTO RICO DECLARED INDEPENDENT BY CONGRESS
In an unexpected move that is sending shock waves through
both San Juan and Washington, the United States Congress
approved full independence for Puerto Rico in a vote late
last night. House bill HR 4115, the "Sovereignty for the
Puerto Rican People Act", sponsored by Illinois Congressman
Luis Gutierrez, passed by a vote of 320-199, with 10 members
abstaining or absent. The bill provides for the granting of
full sovereignty to Puerto Rico, which would then become
effective immediately once President Obama signs it into law.
The details of the transition are yet to be worked out, and
the sudden news is being met with consternation on the island.
Prices for Puerto Rico municipal bonds have dropped dramati-
cally in the markets this morning, as investors process the
unexpected development. Keep checking The Puerto Rico
Monitor for the latest updates on this story.
GOVERNOR GARCIA PADILLA RESIGNS
Puerto Rico Governor Alejandro Garcia Padilla is resigning his
post effective May 1st of this year. The one-term Popular Demo-
cratic Party Governor stated that "There ees, eeehhhh, nothink
mowr I can du too fix, este queeee, economee an stoff, so I go
now. Fock it". Secretary of state David Bernier will be sworn
in as Governor upon Padilla's resignation and will serve out
the remainder of his term. Padilla will reportedly open his
own language school upon leaving La Fortaleza, to be called
"Agapo's Engrish Languach Instituting".
ALEXANDRA LUGARO TO POSE FOR PLAYBOY
Independent gubernatorial candidate Alexandra Lúgaro announced
this morning at a press conference in San Juan that she has posed
for a nude spread for Playboy, which will appear in next month's
print issue of the men's magazine. "I think there's really no bad
way to promote my candidacy and the ideas behind it, and doing
this spread will definitely get some attention. It's not about the
sexuality, it's about pushing Puerto Rico forward. I also hope this
will help people forget about that FBI raid on my compa...I mean,
about the dire economic situation." Some preliminary photos from
the Playboy shoot have been made available online here. When
reached for comment about the surprising announcement, aspiring
NPP nominee Ricky Rosello said "Well, I guess I'll have to pose
nude too."
NO VIOLENT CRIMES REPORTED OVERNIGHT
No one was shot, stabbed, raped, robbed, run over by a car,
set on fire or poisoned anywhere across Puerto Rico last night.
Police Superintendent Jose Caldero commented, "I don't know
what's going on, but I'm scared too."
April Fool's!
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