Puerto Rico News Digest For April 1, 2017

REGGAETON TAX PROPOSED TO PAY DEBT

The head of Puerto Rico's internal revenue agency ("Hacienda"), Raúl Maldonado Gautier, proposed today the imposition of a tax on all reggaetón music purchases and public performances as a way to help the island's government boost its coffers in light of the billions of dollars in debt it faces. "Reggaetón is so prevalent in Puerto Rican society, and it generates so many millions of dollars, that I think taxing it as we do any other economic resource makes a lot of sense", said Gautier. "We estimate that we can cover at least a quarter of our approximately $70 billion in debt just by charging a small tax on every twerk performed in a typical reggaetón video." Fans of the genre, a combination of reggae, rap and latin rhythms, balked at the suggestion of the tax, and were considering staging a protest march in San Juan featuring souped-up Japanese cars, women dancing in thongs and a parade float featuring a giant blunt.

TRUMP PROPOSES BUILDING WALL AROUND PR

US President Donald Trump made a controversial proposal during a recent interview on Fox News: building a wall around Puerto Rico. "Puerto Rico has huge debt, and people keep leaving there and coming into America. We need to stop that. We'll build a huge wall, a magnificent wall, around that island. Then they'll have to stay there and figure out their problems", said the President. When asked how he would pay for the wall, Trump responded, "I'm thinking a tax on tacos. That's what they eat down there, right? Or cigars. A tax on cigars". Trump was then distracted by a fly that was buzzing around the studio and promptly forgot all about the idea.

GOVERNOR ROSSELLO REVEALED TO BE A ROBOT

During a recent press conference at La Fortaleza, Governor Ricardo Rosselló was revealed to really be a sophisticated robot after the metallic faceplate containing his face fell off while answering a reporter's question. The absence of the plate revealed  several circuits and electronic parts inside the Governor's head, and his speech became halting and repetitive, eventually stopping altogether, as smoke came out of the robot's ears. The robot uttered the word "plan" several times before seemingly shutting down. When questioned by the press as to whether he was aware that Rosselló had been a machine all along, Senate President Thomas Rivera Schatz said, "I guess I had some suspicions. He's still better than the previous guy, though". When presented with the same question, Resident Commissioner Jenniffer Gonzalez simply responded, "Yeah, I knew".

UNION WITH CHINA PROPOSED FOR REFERENDUM

A recently formed political organization proposed a new status formula for June's referendum on Puerto Rico's political status: union with the People's Republic of China. The leader of the group "Sino-Boricua Alliance", Juan Sanchez, spoke to the press on Friday, and offered several reasons as to why they believe Puerto Rico becoming part of China makes sense: "Chinese people have been present in Puerto Rico for centuries. Plus, both peoples have a love of eating rice, and uhh, well, China is an emerging superpower and they have a lot of cash". Sanchez, who wore a traditional changshan tunic and Fu Manchu-style moustache during his remarks, added, "We're willing to do whatever it takes to convince China to accept us if the U.S. kicks us out. We can learn karate, wear those pointy straw hats, eat with chopsticks...Puerto Ricans are an adaptable people." Sanchez closed the press conference by performing several botched martial arts moves before falling on the ground holding his leg in pain.




April Fool's!

Puerto Rico News Digest For April 1, 2016

ZIKA KILLS HUNDREDS IN PUERTO RICO

The zika virus, until now thought to only be dangerous to pregnant women,
but mild or even symptomless for most people, has suddenly taken a turn for
the worse, as up to 500 people have seemingly died due to complications from
the virus over the last week. Large numbers of unusual deaths were reported
starting about eight days ago, all across Puerto Rico. The only common thread
among the  otherwise unexplained deaths was that all of the victims had recently
tested positive for the Zika virus, which indicates that the virus may have recent-
ly mutated. "This is definitely a game-changer", said PR Health Secretary Ana
Rius. "Experts from the CDC [Centers for Disease Control] are on their way to
the island right now to investigate. We encourage all residents not to panic, but
to please stay indoors 24 hours a day, without exception. We have also discove-
red that certain invididuals with Zika who rubbed their bellies while simultane-
ously drinking an Old Colony pineapple soda were able to avoid being killed
by the virus." After concluding her remarks, Rius promptly ran outside and
threw herself onto highway traffic, being struck by several cars. She was de-
clared dead at the scene.

GARCIA PADILLA ENDORSES TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT

In a surprise announcement this morning, Puerto Rico Governor Alejandro
Garcia Padilla endorsed controversial Republican Presidential candidate Do-
nald Trump. During a press conference at La Fortaleza, Garcia Padilla stated
to shocked members of the press that he believes a Donald Trump presidency
would be best for the United states, and therefore for Puerto Rico. "Este queee,
ay zink that Mister Tromp is best deelmaiker in da werld and he can help os ne-
gochiate da debt. Plos, he has lots of moni and can meybee help os out wif a
loan or somsink", declared the governor to the bewildered reporters. "Plos,
dose steaks of hiz are pritti delichous."

PEDRO PIERLUISI: 'FUCK STATEHOOD'

Puerto Rico's sole non-voting congressional representative, Resident Commi-
ssioner and NPP gubernatorial candidate Pedro Pierluisi, expressed disillusi-
onment towards his long-held ideal of Puerto Rican statehood today during
remarks to The Puerto Rico Monitor. "Look, let's just be honest here, okay?",
said the tired-looking Pierluisi, immediately before taking a long drag from
a cigarrette and then slowly exhaling the smoke upward, a bitter look on his
face. "This statehood shit's not going to happen. It's just not. It never will. I
work in Congress, remember? They're the ones who can make it happen. And
they don't give a shit. You think they care what I think? I can't vote. Most of
the time these people mistake me for the janitor, or the guy delivering lunch."
Pierluisi went on, looking as if he were on the verge of tears, "We're broke,
why would they make us a state now? You know what? Fuck statehood. Jesus.
I've wasted my goddamn life." Having said that, the Resident Commissioner
spat on the ground, turned around and walked away.

April Fool's!

Puerto Rico News Digest For April 1, 2015

PUERTO RICO DECLARED INDEPENDENT BY CONGRESS

In an unexpected move that is sending shock waves through
both San Juan and Washington, the United States Congress
approved full independence for Puerto Rico in a vote late
last night. House bill HR 4115, the "Sovereignty for the
Puerto Rican People Act", sponsored by Illinois Congressman
Luis Gutierrez, passed by a vote of 320-199, with 10 members
abstaining or absent. The bill provides for the granting of
full sovereignty to Puerto Rico, which would then become
effective immediately once President Obama signs it into law.
The details of the transition are yet to be worked out, and
the sudden news is being met with consternation on the island.
Prices for Puerto Rico municipal bonds have dropped dramati-
cally in the markets this morning, as investors process the
unexpected development. Keep checking The Puerto Rico
Monitor for the latest updates on this story.

GOVERNOR GARCIA PADILLA RESIGNS

Puerto Rico Governor Alejandro Garcia Padilla is resigning his
post effective May 1st of this year. The one-term Popular Demo-
cratic Party Governor stated that "There ees, eeehhhh, nothink
mowr I can du too fix, este queeee, economee an stoff, so I go
now. Fock it". Secretary of state David Bernier will be sworn
in as Governor upon Padilla's resignation and will serve out
the remainder of his term. Padilla will reportedly open his
own language school upon leaving La Fortaleza, to be called
"Agapo's Engrish Languach Instituting".

ALEXANDRA LUGARO TO POSE FOR PLAYBOY

Independent gubernatorial candidate Alexandra Lúgaro announced
this morning at a press conference in San Juan that she has posed
for a nude spread for Playboy, which will appear in next month's
print issue of the men's magazine. "I think there's really no bad
way to promote my candidacy and the ideas behind it, and doing
this spread will definitely get some attention. It's not about the
sexuality, it's about pushing Puerto Rico forward. I also hope this
will help people forget about that FBI raid on my compa...I mean,
about  the dire economic situation." Some preliminary photos from
the Playboy shoot have been made available online here. When
reached for comment about the surprising announcement, aspiring
NPP nominee Ricky Rosello said "Well, I guess I'll have to pose
nude too."

NO VIOLENT CRIMES REPORTED OVERNIGHT

No one was shot, stabbed, raped, robbed, run over by a car,
set on fire or poisoned anywhere across Puerto Rico last night.
Police Superintendent Jose Caldero commented, "I don't know
what's going on, but I'm scared too."





April Fool's!