Nine of the Worst Cheap American Beers

Feature

Pedro Vega

As a dedicated middle class drunk, I have had ample opportunity to become acquainted with many less-than-expensive malted alcoholic beverages. In other words, I've gotten drunk on a lot of cheap beer and malt liquor. Sometimes I still do from time to time, although these days I can afford decent booze and don't need to slum too much. I still know what I know, though, so I thought I'd share my opinion on nice nauseating beverages which you may or may not be familiar with.

1. Natural Light

It wouldn't make any sense to start this list with
anything BUT Natural Light, the most high-profile
and most widely available of the cheap-ass beers
in the U.S. "Natty Light" is made by mega-corporation
Anheuser-Busch, providing us with yet another
example of the evils of corporate capitalism. Natty
Light's alcohol level is actually a bit below
the average of most mass-market pale lager beers
(the average is 5%; Natural Light is 4.4%). And yet,
this swill can pack a punch, especially if you haven't
developed a taste (or tolerance) for it. It can be
surprisingly smooth and it has only 95 calories per
serving, which is pretty decent. But it's still cheaply
brewed crap, so if you have more than 3 or 4 of these,
prepare for nasty headaches the next day. I used to
drink this fairly regularly in my poorer days, then
stopped for a while. The other day I bought a 12-pack
for old time's sake. After 2 cans, I felt like taking a
4-hour nap. At 32, I'm already too old to drink this
shit. If you're college-age, though, you probably
live on this garbage. Okay, if you're college age and
so poor you eat out of dumpsters.

2. Red Dog

Ugh. Jesus.

Red Dog is made by Plank Road Brewery (which is really
Miller, but they would rather not associate their main
brand with this liquid feces). It is around 5% alcohol,
and it is bitter and somewhat harsh. In my experience, the
hangovers from it are actually not all that bad. That's
probably because I never managed to drink more than one
or two. I'm not entirely sure that's it NOT made from
dog piss. No, that would be an improvement. If you have
to drink this, make sure it's very cold.

3. St. Ides

This is the first malt liquor on our list. And with good
reason, as it boasts 8% alcohol. I first became acquainted
with St. Ides about 15 years ago when I was living in New
York City. I was passing a convenience store on my way
home from work late one night and saw a poster advertising
a 40oz bottle of this sh*t for 99 cents. So I figured,
why not? Why not indeed. It tasted like someone dropped
a shot glass of beer into a bucket filled with kerosene.
I was so f****d up when I was done I passed out. The next
day, I woke up thinking that maybe I had leukemia or Lou
Gherig's Disease, or something. I was achy, irritable
and dehydrated. That's all you need to know about St.
Ides. Also, Ice Cube used to endorse it.

4. Pearl Light

Pearl Light is unique among the beers on this list in that I could not get drunk on it. I bought a 12-pack of this stuff years ago and halfway through drinking it, I realized, much to my horror, that I didn't even have a buzz. Pearl Light used to be brewed by Pabst, but is now contracted out to Miller. Not much else I can say about this "beer". Apparently, it has a long history in Texas.

5. Steel Reserve High Gravity

I drank Steel Reserve only once, I believe. A lot of
people drank it once. I remember drinking a couple
of 16 ounce cans of this stuff a while back, and
felt dizzy and weird almost immediately. Usually
a beer buzz is pleasurable, but sometimes it's
uncomfortable and strange. And it's not just me.
A former co-worker, who is about 6 feet tall and
weighed close to 300 lbs, told me he once downed
a can of Steel Reserve while sitting, then stood
up and the room started spinning around. And he was
the kind of guy who had a good tolerance for
alcohol, too. It still ambushed him and kicked
his goddamn ass. Steel Reserve is labeled as 8%
alcohol (in most states) and is made by...wait for it!
...Miller. This is their third entry on this list.
Sadly, it won't be their last.

6. Milwaukee's Best Light

Milwaukee's...Best?? BEST?!? I would really hate to
have to sample Milwaukee's worst. I would get a couple
of 32oz cans at the store for a dollar each a few
years ago. I was obviously going through hard times
if I was drinking this sewage. It is thin, watery
and very carbonated. If you're a high schooler or
broke-ass college student, this beer probably seems
like a pretty good deal. And I suppose it is a good
deal for what it is. Which is trash. To its credit,
after downing 64 ounces of this at a time, I didn't
feel like I was going to die. I just felt like I'd
wasted my time. Oh, and by the way, know who makes
this? F****G MILLER.

7. Bud Ice

Made by Anheuser-Busch. 5.5% alcohol. Comes in a
40oz bottle. Tastes like anti-freeze. Bad hangovers.
Avoid.

8. Olde English

Ahh, Olde English. Just about everyone I know seems to have a story about Olde English, usually involving vandalism, fistfights, the police, sexual assault and/or vomiting. I haven't had this swill in years, and God willing, I will never again drink it. "Regular" Olde English is about 6% alcohol, although other varieties of it go as high as 8%. Out of all the malt liquors out there, this one seems to be the one that most white people will drink, if they drink any malt liquor at all. I'm not sure why that is. My memory of drinking it is that it started out smooth, then tasted a bit harsher and then...well, I can't remember. Oh, and guess who makes it? It starts with an M and ends in an R, and rhymes with "killer".

9. Busch

As the name suggests, this is brewed by the mother
f*****s at Anheuser-Busch. Think Budweiser is boring
and tasteless? Try this stuff. It'll make drinking Bud
Light feel like an orgy of flavor is going on in your
mouth. While it's certainly cheap, it's not the kind of
beer that will give you a decent buzz, even after 3
or 4 of them. The taste is not any worse than say,
Natural Light, but if you're going to be cheap anyway,
just buy f*****g Natural Light. Actually, if Natty
Light is a 19-year old frat boy, Busch could very
well be its balding, beer-bellied 47-year old dad.
Same genetics, just slower and lamer.

The Seven Lamest Comic Book Superheroes

by Bill Alvarez

Since comic book super heroes emerged in the 1930s, hundreds of them have been created. Many of them, however, haven't been worth the cheap paper they've been printed on. Crappy powers, bad characterization, stupid costumes: these and other things have made certain heroes laughingstocks rather than objects of inspiration. Here's seven of the heroes I've found to be the worst, in no particular order.

A lot cooler when you were 6. | Source

1. Aquaman

1st Appearance: More Fun Comics #73 (1941)

Of course the first entry on this list is freaking Aquaman, a superhero so full of suckness that it's hard to find someone who won't make fun of him. While Aquaman wasn't the first water-borne hero (that "honor" goes to Namor The Submariner), he is by far the best-known one. His longevity and name recognition have long baffled me, as his crappiness is so apparent. Everything about him sucks: his crappy powers (such as talking to fish, generic super strength...and uh...well...umm...), his stupid orange shirt, his cardboard-box personality and his uninspiring, nobody villains. Of all the superheroes that have faded into obscurity since 1941, could Aquaman seriously not have been one of them? WHY?

I command you to...pay attention to me! |Source

2. Doctor Druid

1st Appearance: Amazing Adventures #1 (1961)

Doctor Druid was first known as Doctor Droom (I know...Droom? Whatever).He has the distinction of being Marvel Comics' first "Silver Age"(meaning, 1960s) super-hero, predating the first appearance of the Fantastic Four by several months. He also happened to suck major ass. At first he was a sort of monster hunter, then disappeared until the mid-70s, which is when he was renamed. He was then given mystical/mental powers and was eventually made a member of the Avengers, where he filled the role of the team's resident old, balding fat-ass. Despite all his powers, Doctor Druid lacked one major ability: the power to make comic-book readers give a crap about him.

Nice BDSM outfit. | Source

3. Wildcat

1st Appearance: Sensation Comics #1 (1942)

Wildcat is boxer Ted Grant. When his mentor got killed by some crooks using a poisoned boxing glove, he decided to wear a cat costume and fight crime. He didn't have a any powers. But, you know, he was pretty strong. I mean, Batman didn't have any powers, right? Yep. Strong guy in a cat suit. Sort of like a male Catwoman. Except much less interesting. Certainly not as hot. I wonder if he poops in a sandbox.

Put all the pieces together and you get a super-shitty hero. | Source

4. Jigsaw

1st Appearance: Jigsaw #1 (1966)

I actually used to own a copy of Jigsaw #1, which was published by Harvey Comics, a company better known for Richie Rich and Casper. I wish I still had that comic, if only so I could again bask in its title character's unabashed crappiness. Jigsaw was an astronaut, Gary Jason, whose ship got all f'd up. Some aliens rescued him and repaired his badly injured body. Apparently, the alien's idea of "repair" involved making him look like a human jigsaw puzzle (or more like a human puddle of vomit). Old Gary could now stretch and had super-strength. So he was basically a poor man's version of Plastic-Man. PLASTIC-MAN. Think about that for a bit. Jigsaw's comic lasted for a whopping two issues. Two issues too long.

Still Ditko's least annoying character. |Source

5. Squirrel Girl

1st Appearance: Marvel Super-Heroes Vol. 2, #8 (1992)

As a teenager, I remember reading Squirrel Girl's first appearance, in which she defeated no other than Doctor Doom, and thinking of three letters: W, T and F. Squirrel Girl's main power is to talk to squirrels and get them to do things (she also has squirrel-like abilities). Despite her extremely underwhelming powers, she's defeated not just the mighty Doom, but also Thanos, Deadpool and The Mandarin. Maybe this was Marvel Comics' idea of a cute joke or something. Well, Marvel Comics, may I kindly invite you to go to hell? Thanks.

This comic was on whatever the opposite of steroids is. | Source

6. NFL Superpro

1st Appearance: NFL Superpro Special Edition #1 (1991)

Oh, sweet Jesus. Okay, let's see if I can get through this one without blowing my brains out. NFL Superpro is Phil Grayfield, a former NFL player who survives some weird accident involving chemicals (well, it was either that or radiation) and becomes some sort of super-powered football player. He had his own comic book series for a few months, but the stories were so horrifically bad --and the character so poorly conceived-- that it didn't last long. The writer who came up with this monstrosity ended up admitting that he only worked on NFL Superpro so that he could get free NFL game tickets. The whole idea was nothing more than a marketing ploy for the NFL. Shame on Marvel Comics for sinking this low. After this, even prostitution seems like an honorable profession in comparison with such selling out.

"Maybe this crook won't see me even though I'm the size of a G.I. Joe." | Source

7. Doll Man

1st Appearance: Feature Comics #27 (1939)

Doll Man is a scientist who invents a formula that makes him tiny, but leaves him with the strength of a full-sized man, much like The Atom -- although Doll Man came first. He also came first at being a complete waste of time. Let's face it, any hero whose main power is to be tiny is never going to be taken seriously. At least The Atom could shrink to sub-atomic size, but Doll Man could only shrink to the size of an action figure, making him pretty useless. Sadly enough, Doll Man was created by the legendary Will Eisner, making this his worst, most embarrassing creation. Luckily for Eisner, hardly anyone remembers or gives a crap about this tiny failure.

The Top 20 Offensive Things That Donald Trump Will Do Next

Tycoon Donald Trump has been making headlines during his campaign 

for the Republican Presidential nomination for saying several outrageous 

things. Here are some more offensive things Trump might do in the months 

ahead...

1. Steals Rick Perry's fake glasses and buries them in the yard.

2. Repeatedly demands that all Portuguese be deported.

3. Calls Malala Yousafzai a bitch.

4. Gets even worse haircut on purpose.

5. Tells wheelchair-bound people to "get off their asses already".

6. Flies to Zimbabwe, kills Cecil the Lion's cubs.

7. Simultaneously runs for President of Mexico.

8. Admits that he's Chelsea Clinton's godfather.

9. Changes catchphrase from "You're Fired" to "Deez Nutz"

10. Opens yet another...[CONTINUE READING]

Eight Little Known Celebrity SNL Cast Members

Feature

by Pedro Vega

Of course we all know about the comedy powerhouse that is NBC's Saturday Night Live. And most of us are familiar with the show's better known cast members throughout the years: names like Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, Eddie Murphy, Billy Crystal, Tina Fey, Dana Carvey, Kristen Wiig, Will Ferrell, and many others. But there are many well-known showbiz figures who had either short, obscure or unremarkable stints on America's best known sketch comedy show. Some of the names on this list may leave you asking "THAT guy was on SNL?".

1. Joan Cusack

This well-liked and award winning comic actress is best known for roles in movies like Working Girl, Say Anything, Addams Family Values and the Showtime show Shameless. But Joan was also a repertory player on SNL for its ill-fated 11th season (1985-86). She did some impressions, such as Brooke Shields and Queen Elizabeth II, but overall didn't really stand out on the show. But during that season, no one really did anwyay.

2. Robert Downey, Jr.

Yes, Iron Man used to be on SNL. Downey Jr. was a repertory player on the same cast as Joan Cusack during the mid-80s, and like most of his castmates, he failed to leave a lasting impression on the show's history and was let go along with most of the cast at the end of the season. Fortunately for him, there would be much bigger things in his future, with his career hitting some real highs shortly after SNL (Less Than Zero, Chaplin). Then some lows (heroin). Then more highs (Iron Man).

3. Gilbert Gottfried

Super-nasal comedian and voice of the parrot in Aladdin and the Aflac duck, Gilbert Gottfried was a repertory player during the show's horrendous, forgettable sixth season (1980-81). Unlike his later high-voiced, squinting persona, Gottfried came across more like a normal human being in his SNL work, which probably didn't help him much. Without any memorable characters or impersonations, he was let go at the end of the season along with almost the entire rest of the cast (minus Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy).

4. Rob Riggle

You may know former Marine Rob Riggle from his appearances in The Hangover, Step Brothers or 21 Jump Street, or maybe from The Daily Show, his stand-up comedy or FOX NFL Sunday. But yes, he was also a featured player on Saturday Night Live from 2004 to 2005. His tenure was so obscure to me, that I refused to believe my wife when she first told me he had been in the cast at all. A quick check of Wikipedia proved her right. Needless to say, his tenure on the show was pretty low profile.

5. Paul Shaffer

Yep, David Letterman's band leader/sidekick was a Saturday Night Live cast member during the 1979-1980 season. He was hardly new to the show, though, as he had already been a member of the SNL's house band since 1975. Shaffer didn't make any big waves during his one season as a featured player, and a couple of years later he'd land in the job that most of us have known him for. A bit of trivia: Paul hosted an episode of SNL in the late 80s.

6. Sarah Silverman

It's hard to believe that Sarah's stint as a writer and cast member during the show's 19th season (1993-94) went so pitifully, since she is now clearly one of the funniest comedians of the last several years. She was brought onto SNL early in her career, and only one of the sketches she created as writer made it to air. Her on-air appearances were infrequent and completely forgettable, but fortunately for Ms. Silverman, the best was definitely ahead for her.

7. Ben Stiller

In 1987, Ben produced a short film parodying the movie "The Color of Money", which would air on SNL and shortly after land him a gig writing for the show and appearing on-screen as a featured player. However, when it became clear to Stiller that SNL wasn't going to have him do more filmed shorts, he left the show after a measly four episodes. Soon after his departure, he got to do The Ben Stiller Show on MTV, which would then launch him into a film career.

8. Damon Wayans

Another casualty of the godawful 11th season of 1985-86, Damon Wayans was briefly a featured player. His brief tenure came to an end when -- out of frustration from being underused on the show -- he played a bit character in a sketch as a flamboyantly gay police officer, going outside of the script on live TV. He was fired from the show on the spot, but did well in later years on the FOX sketch comedy show In Living Color, as well as numerous
other film and TV projects.