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Saturday, April 1, 2017

Puerto Rico News Digest For April 1, 2017


The head of Puerto Rico's internal revenue agency ("Hacienda"), Raúl Maldonado Gautier, proposed today the imposition of a tax on all reggaetón music purchases and public performances as a way to help the island's government boost its coffers in light of the billions of dollars in debt it faces. "Reggaetón is so prevalent in Puerto Rican society, and it generates so many millions of dollars, that I think taxing it as we do any other economic resource makes a lot of sense", said Gautier. "We estimate that we can cover at least a quarter of our approximately $70 billion in debt just by charging a small tax on every twerk performed in a typical reggaetón video." Fans of the genre, a combination of reggae, rap and latin rhythms, balked at the suggestion of the tax, and were considering staging a protest march in San Juan featuring souped-up Japanese cars, women dancing in thongs and a parade float featuring a giant blunt.


US President Donald Trump made a controversial proposal during a recent interview on Fox News: building a wall around Puerto Rico. "Puerto Rico has huge debt, and people keep leaving there and coming into America. We need to stop that. We'll build a huge wall, a magnificent wall, around that island. Then they'll have to stay there and figure out their problems", said the President. When asked how he would pay for the wall, Trump responded, "I'm thinking a tax on tacos. That's what they eat down there, right? Or cigars. A tax on cigars". Trump was then distracted by a fly that was buzzing around the studio and promptly forgot all about the idea.


During a recent press conference at La Fortaleza, Governor Ricardo Rosselló was revealed to really be a sophisticated robot after the metallic faceplate containing his face fell off while answering a reporter's question. The absence of the plate revealed  several circuits and electronic parts inside the Governor's head, and his speech became halting and repetitive, eventually stopping altogether, as smoke came out of the robot's ears. The robot uttered the word "plan" several times before seemingly shutting down. When questioned by the press as to whether he was aware that Rosselló had been a machine all along, Senate President Thomas Rivera Schatz said, "I guess I had some suspicions. He's still better than the previous guy, though". When presented with the same question, Resident Commissioner Jenniffer Gonzalez simply responded, "Yeah, I knew".


A recently formed political organization proposed a new status formula for June's referendum on Puerto Rico's political status: union with the People's Republic of China. The leader of the group "Sino-Boricua Alliance", Juan Sanchez, spoke to the press on Friday, and offered several reasons as to why they believe Puerto Rico becoming part of China makes sense: "Chinese people have been present in Puerto Rico for centuries. Plus, both peoples have a love of eating rice, and uhh, well, China is an emerging superpower and they have a lot of cash". Sanchez, who wore a traditional changshan tunic and Fu Manchu-style moustache during his remarks, added, "We're willing to do whatever it takes to convince China to accept us if the U.S. kicks us out. We can learn karate, wear those pointy straw hats, eat with chopsticks...Puerto Ricans are an adaptable people." Sanchez closed the press conference by performing several botched martial arts moves before falling on the ground holding his leg in pain.

April Fool's!

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