Puerto Rico News Digest For April 1, 2017

REGGAETON TAX PROPOSED TO PAY DEBT

The head of Puerto Rico's internal revenue agency ("Hacienda"), Raúl Maldonado Gautier, proposed today the imposition of a tax on all reggaetón music purchases and public performances as a way to help the island's government boost its coffers in light of the billions of dollars in debt it faces. "Reggaetón is so prevalent in Puerto Rican society, and it generates so many millions of dollars, that I think taxing it as we do any other economic resource makes a lot of sense", said Gautier. "We estimate that we can cover at least a quarter of our approximately $70 billion in debt just by charging a small tax on every twerk performed in a typical reggaetón video." Fans of the genre, a combination of reggae, rap and latin rhythms, balked at the suggestion of the tax, and were considering staging a protest march in San Juan featuring souped-up Japanese cars, women dancing in thongs and a parade float featuring a giant blunt.

TRUMP PROPOSES BUILDING WALL AROUND PR

US President Donald Trump made a controversial proposal during a recent interview on Fox News: building a wall around Puerto Rico. "Puerto Rico has huge debt, and people keep leaving there and coming into America. We need to stop that. We'll build a huge wall, a magnificent wall, around that island. Then they'll have to stay there and figure out their problems", said the President. When asked how he would pay for the wall, Trump responded, "I'm thinking a tax on tacos. That's what they eat down there, right? Or cigars. A tax on cigars". Trump was then distracted by a fly that was buzzing around the studio and promptly forgot all about the idea.

GOVERNOR ROSSELLO REVEALED TO BE A ROBOT

During a recent press conference at La Fortaleza, Governor Ricardo Rosselló was revealed to really be a sophisticated robot after the metallic faceplate containing his face fell off while answering a reporter's question. The absence of the plate revealed  several circuits and electronic parts inside the Governor's head, and his speech became halting and repetitive, eventually stopping altogether, as smoke came out of the robot's ears. The robot uttered the word "plan" several times before seemingly shutting down. When questioned by the press as to whether he was aware that Rosselló had been a machine all along, Senate President Thomas Rivera Schatz said, "I guess I had some suspicions. He's still better than the previous guy, though". When presented with the same question, Resident Commissioner Jenniffer Gonzalez simply responded, "Yeah, I knew".

UNION WITH CHINA PROPOSED FOR REFERENDUM

A recently formed political organization proposed a new status formula for June's referendum on Puerto Rico's political status: union with the People's Republic of China. The leader of the group "Sino-Boricua Alliance", Juan Sanchez, spoke to the press on Friday, and offered several reasons as to why they believe Puerto Rico becoming part of China makes sense: "Chinese people have been present in Puerto Rico for centuries. Plus, both peoples have a love of eating rice, and uhh, well, China is an emerging superpower and they have a lot of cash". Sanchez, who wore a traditional changshan tunic and Fu Manchu-style moustache during his remarks, added, "We're willing to do whatever it takes to convince China to accept us if the U.S. kicks us out. We can learn karate, wear those pointy straw hats, eat with chopsticks...Puerto Ricans are an adaptable people." Sanchez closed the press conference by performing several botched martial arts moves before falling on the ground holding his leg in pain.




April Fool's!

The Five Weirdest Political Parties In The United States

Feature

Bill Alvarez

Many political "third parties" in the U.S. buck establishment trends by supporting innovative or unique ideas. In many cases, their ideas end up being co-opted by the major parties. Thanks to the Socialist Party of the early 20th century, we now have Social Security and the eight hour workday, and The Libertarian Party has been very influential on the Republican Party of the last couple of decades. The Constitution Party has attracted some attention in conservative circles, while the Green Party played a visible role in the disputed 2000 Presidential election, when their candidate Ralph Nader received enough votes to allegedly hurt Democratic candidate Al Gore. But there are also many third parties that are not only inconsequential, but just, well...really weird. Below we take a glance at five of the most offbeat ones:

Prohibition Party

This anti-alcohol party is actually the oldest third party still (barely) active in the U.S., having been founded in 1869. In the 1910s, they actually managed to get some people elected to Congress and were able to capture the Governorship of Florida. It's all been downhill since the end of alcohol Prohibition in the 1930s, though, as its membership, support and vote totals have gradually shrunk to almost nothing. Their 2012 Presidential nationwide vote total was a pathetic 518 votes. Since 2003, two different factions have been fighting over an $8,000 payment that the estate of a deceased supporter makes to the party each year, which is reminiscent of two hobos fighting over a half-empty can of Dinty Moore stew. It is unknown if they will run a Presidential (or any other) candidate again in 2016. Other than booze prohibition, the party's platform is generally socially and fiscally conservative. Each faction has a website:www.prohibitionists.org and www.prohibitionparty.org.

Objectivist Party

Dedicated to bringing the teachings of noted anti-government philosopher and novelist Ayn Rand to...uhh, the government... this small party was founded in 2008 by lawyer Tom Stevens. Never mind that Rand herself was highly skeptical of electoral politics during most of her life (she wouldn't even support the Libertarian Party) and the party does not seem to receive any significant support from the official Objectivist movement. Stevens ran for President as the OP's nominee in 2008 and 2012, with Alden Link as his running mate. In the latter race, they finished with 4,091 votes, having appeared on the ballot in two whole states (Colorado and Florida). I can see this organization eventually folding back into the Libertarian Party, which is very likely where it sprung from in the first place. The pary's website is atwww.objectivistparty.us

Revolutionary Communist Party

One of the many tiny socialist/communist parties that litter the American underground political scene, this outfit has been around since 1975. The RCP was founded and is still led by egomaniac Bob Avakian, who "fled" the U.S. for France after supposedly jumping bail (he had assaulted a police officer at a demonstration). He remained in self-exile for years, despite the fact that the government didn't seem to give a rat's ass where he was or what he was doing. The RCP's platform basically calls for total revolution in order to overthrow capitalism, and has rarely participated in elections. In the past, they were controversial within left-wing circles for repudiating homosexuality, a position they have since revised. This personality-centered party continues to sell newspapers, run a website and...well, I guess that's it. Bob Avakian also likes to make lots of speeches.

The Light Party

This California-based new age oriented party, headed by leader "Da Vid", describes itself as "a holistic, proactive, educational new political paradigm party dedicated to "Health Peace and Freedom For All". The Light Party Platform is "a synthesis of the finest elements of the Republican, Democratic, Libertarian and Green Parties." Umm, okay. That all sounds alright on paper, I suppose. But the party's website also includes 9/11 "truther" material (never a good sign), as well as a good deal of new age pseudo-science and just plain crazy flakiness. Annual membership is a steal for $44.00 (can I pay in crystals?). No information seems to be available on who their candidates are or have been (if any), or if they have ballot access in any state. My guess is that the answer to that last one is 'no'. Website is atwww.lightparty.com.

Source

National Socialist Movement

Strangely headquartered in Detroit, Michigan, this Nazi organization was founded in 1974 by Robert Brannen and Clifford Herrington, and is apparently still around and reportedly has chapters in 35 states. They infrequently run candidates for local and state offices (one of their California candidates was shot and killed by his ten-year-old son, who was tired of his father's abuse). The NSM occasionally holds rallies protesting immigration, black people, jews, gays and the like. Basically a gang of -- at the most -- a few hundred losers and retards, who are completely irrelevant and have zero hope of ever influencing the public discourse or getting anyone elected to anything. Numerous NSM members have been arrested over the years for various crimes, including vandalism, assault and manslaughter.